Blog update on childbirth, motherhood, and more…

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Posted on : 19-05-2009 | By : dutdot | In : All about my baby, Health & Beauty, Life's Musings, Parenting, Pregnancy, Spirituality

It’s been almost two months since I last blogged in here. I feel overwhelmed on what to write, where to start, or even how I am going to write all things that I need to update this blog about.

I am here sitting in my favorite place, my reading corner, at home, while my baby sleeps in her bed. Yep, I already gave birth to my precious baby girl, who’s turning two months by May 27. I thank God for the gift of life He showered upon me and my baby during the labor and delivery.

LABOR AND CHILDBIRTH

If I had to relive or experience again in my imagination what I had gone through last March 27, it would be hard to tell piece by piece, moment by moment those excruciating pains; but, yes, they were so worthwhile as I awaited for my baby to come out. I quite didn’t expect though that I would deliver on the month of March, especially on the day of March 27. My 6th OBGyne scheduled me for another ultrasound on March 29 even though it was against my will. We were supposed to go to the mall on March 27; but as early as 5:30a.m., I saw blood stains in my urine. I wiped down under and, indeed, there was blood. I kinda panicked. I went back to bed, and woke up husband. He said it’s not my time yet to deliver. It’s normal since I was already on my last trimester. I just laid my back on the bed, and was already nervous at the thought of giving birth at that time. Every time I went to pee, there was blood in my urine, and a few minutes after 6a.m., there was sort of urine leak. I wasn’t sure if it was urine or water. By 7:30a.m., another set of water/urine leak. This time, hubby and I were already hugging each other while crying, most probably, tears of joy. “This is for real now; we’d be parents!” It’s what we were probably thinking that time. We timed my contractions, and they were not consistent yet because the intervals were far apart from one another. However, since we’re first time parents, we decided to go to the hospital at around 11:30a.m. to be checked by the doctor. At the hospital, the first doctor examined me internally and it was so painful! The first IE was 2c.m. at 12:30p.m. It was so painful I bled. I was thinking why I ever went to the hospital early on. Although the dilation was just 2c.m., the doctor decided to admit me after she had confirmed that I already leaked my amniotic fluid. Then, a laxative was inserted into my anus to excrete those that needed to be excreted from my body. Then at 1p.m., I was already admitted to the labor room. I was asked to leave all of my things to my husband, who was waiting for me at the lobby. No man was allowed to enter the labor room so my husband, who was accompanied by my cousin, had to wait outside while I labor. At the labor room, I was feeling uneasy. I had to tell the nurse that I wanted to go home. Monitors were attached on my tummy; they were for monitoring my baby’s heartbeat, and mine. A few minutes later, a doctor came in to IE me – still at 2c.m. dilation. I was already anxious because the dilation was so slow. I told the nurse that I wanted to walk so that I would dilate faster than if I was lying on the bed. She told me that after two hours of no improvement in my dilation, I would be sent to the ward and I could do whatever I wanted to do. I asked her if I could see my husband there, and she said no. That time, all I needed to do was to be closer to my husband. I knew that my labor would improve then if he was, at least, beside me, comforting me of the pains (pain at that time was still manageable). After two hours, I was checked by another doctor, and the dilation was still at 2c.m. Shocks! I was wondering whether I would be sent home or not since dilation wasn’t progressing. That’s when I started to pray really hard, calling upon my three patrons (Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, Our Lady of Penafrancia, St. Gerard Majella), and singing songs of praises. Two doctors came in, telling me to have epidural. I answered strongly, “NO, I want my baby to come out on her own, without medication”. They went out. Just then, I felt that the contractions were every five minutes of interval. I knew that this was the start of true labor. I was singing in tongues. I was hearing other pregnant moms crying in pain. I checked myself if I was crying. I wasn’t crying; but, I was so much in pain. The pain lasted for I didn’t know how long. I told my nurse to take care of me, not to leave me, and she said, she’d take care of me but she had to leave once in a while because she had other patients. She wanted to inject something that would make me drowsy so that my mind would be rested. I told her as long as it wasn’t something that would induce my baby to come out, it’s ok. She injected something in my bottom that was a bit painful at the start. It made me feel drowsy and she was right that it wouldn’t take away the pain. Yes, I wanted to feel the pain. I didn’t want to be numbed because I wanted to have the energy to push. I heard from a naypi, who gave birth here, that she was given epidural and she was numbed down there that it was so hard to push during the final stage of labor. So I was thinking then that I had to feel the pain so I stood strongly not to be given an anaesthesia that would make me numb down there. Then, in between the contractions and the feeling of drowsiness, I was speaking these words “The cervix is fully dilated”; “10c.m.”; and, “The baby’s coming”. While speaking those words, my eyes were sleepy; yet, my stomach was churning so painfully that I had to cry out loud, “sister!!!!!” (It’s how nurses are called in this country we are in.). I didn’t know if she heard me because I didn’t see her or I was really sleepy. Then after ages, I heard my nurse say the words “Fully dilated!”; “10c.m.” “The baby’s coming.” My God. I was both excited and scared. Those where the words I told my subconscious mind that they should be the words I would hear from the one who would assist me in the delivery. The nurse told me to push when there was pain, and not to push, when there’s no pain. PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. It took me probably three times to push my baby out my womb. I saw a pair of big scissors in her hands! Gasp! She would tear my perineum! Waaah. Anyway, I didn’t mind that for as long as it would help me let my baby out of my womb. For heaven’s sake, I was also probably petrified when I saw my nurse down there. I didn’t know that she would be the one to deliver my baby! I thought there would be a doctor. Of course, what I was thinking then was to let my baby out of my womb because I was already in pain so I didn’t mind that, too. Woot! My baby came out. I asked the nurse if everything was OK because I didn’t hear her cry. The nurse didn’t answer me right away. I asked again, and she told me that she was concentrating on my baby. I was feeling so anxious and just then, I heard a faint cry of my baby. She was so small and so purple in color. I quite didn’t believe it that she was so small and so dark. The nurse asked me while holding my baby, “what is this?”, and I answered a girl. She let my baby rest on my chest. I wanted to hold her but I was afraid of hurting her. I was waiting for the time that I would nurse her with my colostrum, but my baby was sent to the nursery. I was told to stay at the labor/delivery room for three hours. I gave birth at 6:15p.m.

No amount of preparation, childbirth classes, or stories/pieces of advice from others had helped me during the painful labor. It was the book, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, that helped me through, of course, the most important factor was my faith in God and my three patrons, and yes, the prayers of my family and friends. All I knew at that time was I had to bear it all for my sake and that of my baby’s.

Post Partum

At 9p.m., I was seated in a stroller pushed by an attendant. Before heading my room at the Ward, I met my baby in her crib at the lobby. Still, my mind was on her smallness and color. I was feeling pitiful towards my baby. I wanted to ask why it happened that way. I gained much weight, 15 kilos, and my baby was so small! I set those worries aside. I was looking for my husband, but was told that visitors were only allowed until 7p.m. I was thinking, I needed to see my husband. Good thing, someone, a naypi, at the labor room, was there to know that I am also a naypi. She was the one who called on my husband that I already delivered our baby. At the ward, I felt so miserable. I had no slippers. I had no undeez. I was only given three pieces of maternity pads because I was still heavily bleeding. I asked if I could have a private room; but, there was no vacant room I guess, or they probably didn’t understand me as I wasn’t speaking in the local language here. I laid my back on the bed, but couldn’t quiet my mind. My baby had no new born clothes, just the hospital blanket covering her. I had no clothes as well. I walked around on my bare feet, with my hospital clothes on (opened at the back), and asked around if I there’s a telephone I could use to call my husband. There was a telephone at the hall. I called my husband in my weak voice, and he cried as I talked to him, most probably, tears of joy. He was so happy that my baby and I were safe. After a few minutes, I went out of the room I was sharing with three other new mommies, (I left my baby in her crib beside my bed), and called on my husband at home. He was with our friends, and each of them congratulated me. The floor was so cold so that time I was calling my husband, I put the two extra maternity pads on my feet. Shitty hospital, really. If only they didn’t ask me to give all my belongings to my husband (slippers, clothes, etc.), I wouldn’t be feeling miserable. Just then, two ladies from the hospital had great hearts to call on my husband and told him to bring slippers, clothes, and food for me. Since it was no longer allowed for visitors to go to the hospital beyond 7p.m., the two ladies volunteered to meet my husband at the lobby and to give me the things I needed at the hospital. It was around 11:30p.m. already when I got the things, including my cellphone and cell card. I didn’t know that my husband was able to come in at the lobby. That time, someone took my baby and I thought that my baby would be checked up. I called on my husband and he was just leaving the hospital. He told me that he saw our baby, and she’s beautiful because she woke up at the time her daddy saw her. I was thinking, “Are you hallucinating? Where did you see our baby?” He said that that someone who took my baby for a few minutes brought my baby towards the lobby just for her daddy to see her. Husband told me that he hugged our baby. So he was the first to carry our baby; not me..I was only able to carry our baby the next day. I am a new mom, and I knew that my baby’s so small then, and I was afraid of hurting her. Anyway, indeed, my baby’s eyes at that night were so beautiful the first time she opened them – so inviting, so captivating, so dark-bluish, so enchanting. But when I looked on her body, she was so frail, so skinny. I didn’t tell my husband yet about it. Husband wasn’t able to sleep that night she saw our baby girl. He was thinking that our baby looked like the model of J&J’s baby book. Hmmm, yes, the eyes  — when opened. Throughout the night, my baby was asleep. I didn’t know what to do with her. She wasn’t crying unlike the other babies. I didn’t sleep well wondering if she was feeling cold, hungry, wet or what. I didn’t know what to do, but instinct told me to feed her. She fed so little. By this time, I already had my bags (full of clothes, foods, drinks, and letters from hubby and friends), I asked the nurse to change my baby’s clothes. She wondered why I didn’t do it myself. I told her, “I’m a new mom. I don’t know yet on how to change my baby’s clothes”. Yes, even the diaper. The following day, the nurse bathed my baby. At night, I saw that my baby’s bottom had already dried with poop inside. Gasp. Hah. I was feeling so inefficient. I also didn’t know how to nurse her. I was still wondering why someone didn’t tell me to breastfeed her. Then husband came. He changed the diaper of baby. He was also thinking the same thing. Our baby’s so skinny, and so dark in color. But he only told me about it when we got to our home on the third day. Baby and I were not discharged on the 2nd day unlike other moms and their babies there. They said that my baby would still be checked up because she was so small. Thank God, everything’s normal with her so we were allowed to go home on the third day. In the morning during our third day at the ward, my baby was hiccuping. I went out and asked the nurse on what to do. She told me to just give milk. So I asked for milk. She said, there’s no more milk, and she asked why I didn’t give my baby breastmilk. I told her there’s no milk yet. I didn’t know that I had to feed my baby via my breast, and milk would come out. I went back to my room where my baby was sleeping (in her crib). I sat on my bed, and was really upset with what the nurse told me. “No more milk.” I couldn’t believe that. I was furious. I got up from bed, got my baby from her crib, and walked around the lobby. I was about to open the door when the nurse asked me, “where are you going?” I told her, “I’m looking for milk.” “Come”, she said and gave me milk. I was shocked. “How come you told me there was no more milk”, I wanted to shout to her; but, my baby’s more important than that stupid nurse. I grabbed the milk, and let my baby sucked on the nipple of the bottle. I felt like crying. Stupid. stupid place, indeed. Then, we were discharged at around 10a.m. and we were fetched by husband.

On baby’s first day at home (her 3rd day on Earth, husband and I didn’t know what to do. The milk I got from the hospital already expired. We had no milk, sterilizer of bottles at home YET. We also had no water for baby. My Goodness! Husband hurriedly went out to buy milk (the same as the brand that was given at the hospital). He did not find the water for baby. I boiled water. We didn’t know how to prepare baby’s milk (at the hospital, the milk was in a disposable bottle and was already prepared for each feeding). We had to call on our friends and asked them about how to prepare baby’s milk (amount of water and scoops of milk), and just then, husband saw the instructions from the can of milk. We hurriedly prepared baby’s milk, and gave the bottle for her to suck. She sucked hurriedly like a hungry little baby. Husband and I both cried. Baby was crying hysterically. She must be very hungry. On her third day, she learned to hold her bottle with two hands, most probably because she was too hungry at the hospital.

On our first night as a family, we all didn’t sleep well. Baby was crying so loudly and couldn’t sleep. I was also feeling so tired. I had to wash baby’s bottles. It was around 2a.m. already when I felt that I was already exhausted. I was crying because I was hearing voices in my head. I didn’t know what was that but I was afraid that I exhausted myself too much – lack of rest, proper sleep at the hospital after delivery. It was so stupid for the hospital (public) not to allow anyone to take care of the newborn and the new mom. So stupid because I exhausted myself for two nights at the ward, while I was still bleeding. I told my husband to hug me. It was a painful sight because he was holding our baby, too, and there I was, crying like a baby, afraid of what was happening to me. Before that, I tried to comfort myself. I went to our room, said my prayers aloud, but nothing happened. I felt like I wanted to shout. That’s when I decided to go to my husband, who was holding our baby in his arms. He went with me to our bedroom, put baby on our bed, and attended to me. We prayed together, and he hugged me. I was so afraid. I was aware of what was happening, but couldn’t control what I was feeling because I didn’t know why such was happening. I was feeling so distant from my baby that night. It was probably part of post partum depression. I wasn’t sure then. I was thinking I must keep my sanity for my families’ sake here in this new country and back home. The prayers were heard right away. I calmed down, and was able to sleep. The next night, it happened again – the voices in my head – and the feeling of drowsiness where I felt like I was about to fall on the floor when I walked. I was feeling like that for a month.

We didn’t have someone to help us here right after the delivery. We had a nanny last May 1, and thought that she would be a big help; but, she stayed with us only for a week. Until now, husband and I are restless. We take turns in taking care of baby, even sometimes at the point of sleeping while feeding her. Almost two months after my childbirth, I still am not properly rested, even my husband. For over three weeks, right after my delivery of our baby, he had to work on his nasty project at work until five in the morning, then he had to cook for us, and take care of baby. I was still bleeding then for over a month, and my tear was painful down there. Since husband was working from home that time, I had to help him take care of baby so I also didn’t have enough sleep then because we were both feeling the pressure that his office was giving him. He was asked to report for work the next morning after my delivery! Well, wasn’t he entitled for a paternity leave? And yes, to think that we don’t have anyone in here but our very own selves! Well, LIFE! Anyway, all went well, thanks God. We’re happy that things are doing well, his works is manageable now, baby’s getting better and better everyday, (Thanks, God). I am still not rested, getting fatter each day because of lack of sleep (same with my husband), but deep in our hearts, we are proud of ourselves. We survived and we are surviving. Thanks, God.

On breastfeeding

I felt so guilty of not being able to breastfeed my baby. During the first week, I suffered from constipation. I took laxative, which wasn’t OK for lactating moms. I stopped breastfeeding for three days. My baby then had learned to reject my breast. Sigh. I tried again. She breastfed again but only for a few minutes. I also wasn’t eating well because of lack of sleep (because of lack of rest). I have learned to overcome this guilt feeling.

Mother’s Day

We went to church on Mother’s Day, the fist time we attended mass after childbirth. We brought a costly stroller for baby, so she could sleep comfortably. We went to the nearby starbucks. We were supposed to go to the mall and celebrate mother’s day there, but thought that it would be cumbersome to travel again since we had no car, although we have a paid service (taxi), costly, but we are comfortable with the taxi owner/driver. At the starbucks, two naypis were serving there. They uttered some nasty words towards my baby like, “small”, etc. and compared my baby with their babies. As a mother, I had to defend my baby. One naypi even said, “my baby’s so big, much bigger than the babies of the locals here” (sabay dagdag, kasi naman malaki ung tatay)…then I told her, “wala naman sa laki yan pagkapanganak, makikita yan paglaki na”…Then the other naypi showed me her baby’s pic, she just gave birth to her baby, and was probably just two weeks ahead of my delivery…I was already feeling so mad towards her, too. I just said, “Ok”…In fact, I was about to tell my husband that we should probably go out of the starbucks and to hell with these ladies. But we stayed because we were decent enough not to let hell loose break. While we were drinking our coffee, and baby was feeding her milk, the second naypi, who showed me her baby’s pic, intervened again. “Malakas syang dumede?” I said, “secret…Ayoko kasing pinapansin ang pagdedede nya”…She fell silent. Haha. Secretly, husband was thinking that I was already mad, and thought that it was normal for me to be snobbish then. Well, that’s how mother’s day was celebrated – defending my baby from monsters out there. If they are proud of their babies’ weight, big size, in particular, then they should just shut up. I really don’t speak my mind when I see other babies or other people regarding their weight. Why should I care, anyway?

We celebrated (again) Mother’s Day last March 15…at the mall. This time, whenever we go out, and see other naypis/noypis, I immediately change direction so as not to meet their scrutinizing gazes or their stupid inquiries/criticisms. If meeting them could not be prevented, I immediately say, “pwera bati”. This time, I know I won’t answer stupid questions from other people. Why don’t they mind their own businesses and let us mind ours? As long as our baby is growing on her own way and in her own time, everything will be OK. It doesn’t matter if she was born at a lighter weight, but what matters is her total development is improving all the time. She’s SMART for her age, (pwera bati), and that’s what I am thankful for. She’s healthy, too, thanks God.

My hands and back are already aching from typing this entry for almost three hours. Would this help me shred a few kilos from the nine kilos I needed to lose? Whoa.

I shall be back for more updates…now that the first few topics in my mind were already posted. I was able to write the bad memories without pain in my heart, because I am overwhelmed with joy of having my baby…

For good things coming our way, I remain faithful to God,

dutdot

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