Natural Letters For My Baby!dutdot (n. mother's touch)

T H E  23RD  L E T T E R

Nov. 4, 2009 @ 9:44p.m.

Dear Baby,

How are you? I’m sorry I haven’t written for a quite awhile. Mom was too busy making plans. But this I learned – sometimes our plans won’t materialize the way we want them to be no matter how much we think we are prepared. There are opportunities that will come knocking at our doors. It’s either we grab them or take another route or be still. It’s either we stuck up or fall apart or go with the flow.

I am writing this letter to tell you how much thankful I am to you for being my strength. For eight hours, Mom was real scared about the unknown. I’ve been battling with my fear of flying in an international flight with you and me only because Dad has some important things to attend to. Thoughts of whatifs, buts, and other things clouded my sanity. The fear suddenly vanished just 10 minutes ago when you were crawling on my tummy, and your cute, cold, little fingers were holding on to me. You were not fearful. You thought Mommy is powerful, strong, and would not put you to danger. An idea hit me! It was as if I was enlightened! I shed a tear with the realization that you’d cling on to Mommy for support, and for assurance that everything will be OK on our first international travel.

I am crying as I am writing this letter, baby. You’re drinking your milk on my lap. I am holding you with my left arm; my left hand is holding the bottle so you can drink while my right hand is typing this letter. Another realization: I can always multi-task as a mother. It’s what almost all mothers are doing for their children. I can multi-task on our travel, too.

I was chatting with Daddy this morning, and both of us we’re feeling uneasy over the thoughts of not being together in this international travel, our first as a family; of not being together this holiday season; and, of other related thoughts. I told Daddy that it’s as if I would be delivering a baby for the first time – unsure, uneasy, scared, BUT determined. I only realized the BUT as I write this letter now. It made my heart skip a bit as I write this. My emotions are overwhelming at the realization that I am A MOTHER, your mother and that I should be tough yet gentle with you; that I should show courage because you’re giving your confidence in me. I am crying even more now because you have your own way of making Mommy strong.

I remember seven months ago. You wanted to come out of this world as fast as you can. You cooperated with Mommy because you made it easy for Mommy to deliver you in just exactly three hours. You were smallish, but maybe your weight was on purpose so that you could easily get out from Mommy without suffering a long, hard labor. The first time I saw you I was so stunned at your size. I was afraid of touching you so I just kissed you. I wanted to hold you but I was afraid of hurting you. The nurses took you away from me. We were reunited after three longish hours. With you by my side, I felt of protecting you from the scrutinizing eyes of other mothers there. They were comparing you with their children. I didn’t care. For me you’re most beautiful, perfect baby!

The night was long in that hospital bed we’re in. You were on your hospital crib and you’re clothed with the green blanket. It took me a lot of courage to leave you behind for a few minutes so I had to make a call for Daddy, who was waiting for the good news about you. Slippers-less, I walked down the cold floor of the hospital corridor. I was only wearing the hospital gown, and had no underwear. All I thought was I had to tell Daddy so he could spread the news about you. Glad you didn’t cry while I was out. I was scared to death leaving you behind so I only made a sort call. Glad that someone helped Daddy (even if it was already beyond visiting hours) to bring me my mobile phone, my food, my clothes, and your clothes, and other important things. I made two phone calls to Daddy during that night. On my 2nd time to call, I put on the maternity pads on my feet to protect me from the coldness of the floor. I realized that as a new mom, I learned to be resourceful and creative. I realized I was a fighter in that battle, our battle.

While all the babies and mothers who delivered on that same day I delivered you were all discharged, I was full of anxieties when we’re not released yet. They told me that they’d conduct yet another blood test for both of us. The next morning, we were still at the hospital. They were making sure that everything’s fine with you because of your size then. You calmed me with your normal breathing. You pacified me with your soft cry. You assured me with your sweet, dimpled smile.

For two nights at the hospital, you didn’t cry out loud unlike the other babies. You didn’t even cry out loud even when your diaper area was already soiled, and the poop had gone dry. I was so scared to change your diaper, no, actually, I was too dumb on how to change it.

Baby, thank you so much for letting me walk through that wonderful, scary, yet fulfilling memory lane. I delivered you successfully in three hours via normal delivery in a foreign place, with a foreign nurse attendant. We were both in that significant occasion of our lives. We were victorious! I didn’t show my fear when I saw that the nurse was holding this giant pair of scissors to tear me down there. I was fearful, you know. But Mommy survived that ordeal. I didn’t show my fear when the doctor was already stitching me up down there. I was fearful, you know. But for the love of you, Mommy had to be strong at that time. Mommy didn’t dare sleep because I was waiting to see you then, to be reunited with you.

And now that we’d be flying “alone”, are we ready to face this adventure again? I am because you’re ready; because you’re giving me the confidence; because you are giving me the strength and the courage…not just at this time, but all the time.

Thank you, baby. I love you so much. Daddy loves you, too, and would be surely missing us on the holidays.

iloveyou,

mommy